WEE MORNING THOUGHTS...

As this may be my last opportunity to blog for awhile... (we'll see, don't panic. though really, the funnest part of the story is really over and now we're just like everyone else with children, "crazy". no offense:) he he he)... I wanted to journal, no telling what I will decide to tell you at 5:22 am here in my hotel in Smyrna, GA. Evan... he's coming home later today (hopefully) and by home, I mean our hotel till we are cleared to leave the state (likely Mon afternoon or Tuesday). we will get to be alone with him for the first time in his 3 day old life. It has been a roller coaster for sure but we are overjoyed. As with an actual roller coaster, there are many big dips and huge loops, death defying drops and soaring heights. You can close your eyes at parts and be scared or cheer and raise your hands but at the end, you are turning to a friend or loved one that shared the ride with you and say, "that was awesome, let's do it again!" why are we so crazy!? But we are. We of course would do it again and it continues to have challenges but we're hoping the next turn brings a cheer. These first few days, we come back to an empty hotel, with out Evan and hope we provide what he needs in life. We look forward to getting on the computer to remember the joy through the stress when we see we have "86" posts on Facebook or "84" emails! I have to publicly apologize to my brother Bennett and his wife Jennifer (ok, Lacey got an earful about my day too) cause they hear all the stress and unpleasantness. i hang up and say, why didn't i tell them the wonderful things?! there are many but it isn't all perfect of course. our days have been exhausting mentally for not knowing where we should be, at what time how long we will be doing it and all we want to do is be with the baby. Our experience has not been geared towards our own comfort and hand holding even though we craved it, it's for the birth mother and child (definitely most important, I'm not complaining about that). So it is frustrating. To add to it (YOU MAY WANT TO REVERT YOUR EYES * personal information ahead * I'M SERIOUS), I researched and have been attempted Adoptive Mother Breastfeeding. OH MY GOSH! How do you do that!? I know that is what everyone says. Well, if you really want to know, look it up but be respectful that as a woman, it is my function and no matter the child, it is healthy for them and it is why I have pursued it. Not only have I pursued it but I have looked forward to it, equally to getting Evan. Sparing All the details, to lactate when you are not naturally producing milk (i warned you!) is difficult and can be, as far as i understand to this point, produce only small amounts of milk or you can (if I'm lucky), you can produce a full amount. As I am not yet producing milk, until I do, I will use a supplementer that allows the child to still latch as any child but get the sustenance from a tube (for lack of will to explain more, again, you can look it up, my brain is fried). ANYWAY, the reason I tell you is, today, well Thursday, I finally had an opportunity to meet with one of the wonderful ladies from the Breastfeeding Center at the Hospital (Hi Sharon & crew!!!). She very patiently and lovingly showed me how to get Evan to comply despite the obvious privacy issues this entails. Man I was frustrated! It was not her fault and I wasn't because Evan was upset and irritable, it was because, this way wasn't my dream. I don't want to be trying to teach my 2 day old to breastfeed OR to forget the actual supplementer (holds formula, distributes through a tube to the breast/nipple. quite giggling, it's real life) I was supposed to be using and when you know about breastfeeding (or have a baby in general) you know how important it is to have skin to skin contact right away but i hadn't had this yet and it was very upsetting. I didn't want to disrespect Sharon cause she is very good at her job and passionate about the subject and taking time to help me, but, I wanted to cry. We've had a hard time communicating with our caseworkers on anything and to leave a LONG 2 days of that to try to 'jump in' to this venture was overwhelming so i was about to break this afternoon (after looking soooo forward to it all day. actually for a few weeks, i couldn't wait to get started and now was very upset feeling). Michael of course was sweet and patient. Reassuring me to be upbeat and to calm down. I did and resolved to not stress, cause nothing would happen for sure then. I decided to wait till I'm 'home' at the hotel to work on it and felt bad that I didn't feel comfortable in the nursery at the hospital in front of a bunch of strangers but happy that I felt better and good about my decision.
Back to MDS: I am impressed with how well we have learned to communicate with each other over the years but especially this past year. He has changed and mellowed so much. I have changed and been less 'fly by the seat of my pants' and we love it. I appreciate his love toward me and now Evan and his excitement for both of us. I am up because I cannot sleep thinking about how to care for my son. To make my Heavenly Father proud of us that he sent another child to this earth to have a chance to return to Him one day if he lives a righteous life. More, I'm hoping and praying to keep him fed and alive! I now know with out asking anyone or recalling a conversation on the subject, that every single parent has worried about this! lol. Will I feed my child enough? What if he spits it all up? Who do I call to rescue me? Will they hate me WHEN I call in the middle of the night when Evan is making ME cry? smile. It's ok, it's all part of the roller coaster I spoke of at the beginning and now that I've got that off my chest... don't be gross but I would sincerely appreciate some prayers that I will be able to organize these thoughts and find success in breastfeeding (in the prayer you can say "success in her desires as a mother" so you aren't irreverent and all giggly. ;) he he he). It's a righteous desire to give my child the best and give myself to the type of bonding this can bring to me and our child. sigh....
I did it! I told you all a VERY personal story that was hard to admit (you open yourself to nay-sayers and rude comments with good intentions) and I'm still alive! I almost feel like I can go back to bed at 623am, only to wake up at 830a. wink. MDS is still asleep and probably warm so I better slip back to bed and warm up my cold feet with his warm legs. For some reason, I don't think he likes this. weird. Oh well. smile. I hope you didn't mind my personal story but it's my personal blog so ;p (that's a tongue sticking out, clever huh?). Also, don't forget to see the video posted below. It is adorable. If it's just spitting out, pause it while it loads so you can see it perfectly. I'm grinning just thinking about it. Truly, Thank you everyone for your love. Good morning and good night.

side note: if you are in California or anywhere outside of Tennessee I guess, and are interested in being invited to a "Virtual Shower" for us, My sister Jenalyn and one of my Oldest and Bestest friends Heather are organizing a way to celebrate this occasion for those of you that have asked about a shower. Jenalyn needs your email so here is hers, jennypatch9@yahoo.com , she or Heather will get back to you. We are interested how this will go but it sounds fun. wink.