the gush.

daddy and evan at my shop on saturday. ;) eeeeek. these are especially for grandma karla who loves baby feet. he he.

this kid. he is all ours let me tell you. lately i have been struggling with my patience of being a day laborer AND a mommy. i digress: all my life, i literally dreamed of being a mother. it's all i ever wanted which is why in h.s. when everyone was applying for college, i was confused. can you study 'mother' or 'stay at home mommy' or 'homemaker' at the university? i didn't realize then, the many subjects (any subject) i could have taken to prepare myself for such a role. because, trust me, the stay at home (sahm's) moms i know are very intelligent whether they 'only' have a h.s. diploma or left a lucrative career to stay at home, they can surely hold their own. anyway, my point is from an early age, i wanted to be, and learned the gift a full time mom, in my home with my children would be. as the time for parenthood lingered, i realized having an education and career before that point would be a blessing and gift to my family. that was my plan... an education in something i loved (and am dang good at, i might add) and a lucrative career after a full education in it. well, as many of you know, the babies didn't come when we started trying in March of 1999. as days, months then years passed with no children, i decided my approach would be to excel as much as i could at my career until we were blessed with the 'pitter patter' of little feet. it was difficult but i did my best hoping it would be worth it in the end (it has been). in the process of working so hard for my future family, i didn't realize how IN LOVE and devoted i would become to my new friends aka; the client. now it is a very guilty feeling to leave a great career to go after the 'career' i always dreamed of. . . . so back to the point in my random, round about way... ;) (you know you're entertained. lol)... i have been feeling 'down' lately. the reality of your child at home or with your trusted friend who babysits him is depressing!!! i thought i could take one for the team by working for a while till i could bow out gracefully. ;)... in the mean time, this is what i miss at home: a 'little' boy who grows by the minute (body and brains), crawling now, pulling up on everything to stand, tantrums when you pulls his toy away, inhaling his bottle or not finishing it depending on the day/sitting, experimenting with food (had mac n cheese and angel hair shrimp alfredo, minus the shrimp, this week and LOVED it!), planning what's next, kissing him, hugging him, loving him, thanking God for him!...

so, each day i am grateful for a full book of clients/friends at work but each day i feel the heartache and yearning to be at home full time. we are working on a solution but it's not happening tomorrow, so you know. as the time quickly approaches for the chance for us to re-apply for adoption in mid-october, it is exciting and stressful. surely i will being staying at home by the time we have another baby right? ;0) we will see. it will happen, when and if the time is right.

for now, we are looking forward to what life brings us. we appreciate the gifts God has given us. we are grateful for adoption and know evan was sent specifically for us to raise, as your biological children were sent to you. our love for him is as real as your children or even your spouse who is not blood related to you. our bond is as tight as a root of a tree to the earth and our relationship is special because we share all of this with all of you. evan and any other children are given are the greatest gifts we will ever receive physically in this life. i cannot wait to see what evan does next or what his first real words will be or when he walks by himself. we gush. we feel lucky to have been chosen to parent especially to parent our little tasmanian. thank you for all your love and compliments. we want you to know how much joy it brings us to have our little 'angel' play with you and with your little angels and be part of the parenting crowd, making our rookie mistakes but waving our victorious flag anyway. :0)

i just had to blog it out even if it didn't quite make sense. sometimes i get sensitive about what people say and think about 'adoption' in general and want to know whether you are 'bonding' etc. (yes people ask that question! can you imagine them asking you that about your biological child? "so, sally, it's so great, it seems billy's really bonding to you"!!! they mean WELL but it's... off, you know?). so through this post, that was on my mind too. i'd say more but don't want to scare anyone. lol. ;) anyway, i will finally stop babbling and sign off. thank you for listening/reading and thank you for your friendship. xoxo Lila