Preparing to move on....

So, Michael and I have been really... confused for the past few days. I've had tears and anger, peace and love. I can only speak for myself on this but I was letting myself be more hurt by the email sent then in the information in it. I also have to fight myself to not blame or condemn our caseworker. From the beginning of our relationship (1 year) with him, we've had trouble with our communication. We didn't' hear from him for a few months when he first took over for the last Agency Director and emails would take TWO weeks to be answered without so much as an "I'm out of the office, contact 555.5555 for assistance". Honestly, I have to come to the conclusion that it is Satan keeping us from working with him cause he doesn't want us to get our child this way. Only Satan can give me these feelings and I pray everyday for them to leave my mind cause it gets me nowhere. It's difficult cause Christopher doesn't know the emotional toll it takes on us (though he should learn). At the beginning, it was scary cause we thought we were going to have a baby in 24/48hours. Then within a week, we found out it'd be longer so we tried not to get attached in case she changed her mind. Next we almost lost her when we didn't hear from the birth mother, then got a very positive reconnection when she miraculously answered the phone! At that time we decided to throw ourselves into it. I bought some clothes for her to sleep in and 2 outfits that weren't pajamas, some bottles to get me started... Over time, we decided to let our friends plan a HUGE 'shower/open house' for when we would for sure be back and I registered. It took a lot to let ourselves do it and it wasn't as exciting cause it's clouded under IF's and MAYBE's of when and if the baby is ours even. I had to register alone and was overwhelmed by the process (wish I felt like I could ask a friend but didn't think I could handle their excitement over something i know is a maybe). Everyday, I'd be like, "we could have a baby next week" or "Friday, our baby could be born". We thought of names but wouldn't/couldn't tell them cause we didn't want a name we love to be floating out there if it didn't work out (always cautious in adoption). When I read the email from Christopher on Friday, i was crushed! I was sooo mad immediately that I could hardly concentrate on the fact that it could be real that "C" had changed her mind etc. Michael, the logical half of our marriage, calmed me down and talked me into waiting to reem Christopher till Tuesday after the holiday weekend. I assigned him the task as he was able to put aside his emotion.
Today Michael talked to him. He expressed that it would have been better if he would have called with that information and Christopher understood. He is a very nice man, don't get us wrong, but it think it must be difficult for him to put himself in our place. I'm sure he must think we are high maintenance with our lectures (the 2nd time we've had to communicate to him our 'challenges') but we supported each others desire that he know how we felt. I'm glad that is over.
Last night I was feeling better, upbeat almost but still hopeful about the baby despite everything working against it happening. I had an honest and sincere conversation with Heavenly Father that if she is not meant to come to our home, to please take the feeling away from me. I had a great nights sleep for once and woke up peaceful and happy. To me that doesn't mean she isn't ours and it also doesn't mean she is, just that I feel satisfied that what will be, will be and it's ok for me to move on. I wasn't going to give myself permission for that since this all felt like a repeat of the depression after YEARS of failed fertility treatments. But I don't want to give up. I just want to have our children and I'm not going to get them by lying down so I'm moving forward, without forgetting about this little girl. I'm not getting her or anyone by being negative so I'm working hard to stay on the positive. We are also praying that, this baby will be smart and strong and make a difference in her families life, wherever that may be. We hope her mother is safe too as for all we know, she could feel threatened or unsafe and that is why she has yet again, dropped out of site.
Please forgive me for being negative about the email. It doesn't make me feel good to feel that way even though it is obviously insensitive. I'm forgiving him and myself and I hope those of you reading this and praying for us will support that. We are humbled every day by this process and this is just a GIANT step in our path to our children. Thank you for your patience today, we are praying every night for all of you to get the blessings you need as you pray for us. You are our blessing right now. Love you!