Where were you...

Where were you, How did you feel, What did you do... On September 11th, 2001?

Mike and I lived in California at the time. We were asleep still, being 3 times zones away from New York. Mike's mom Jennie called us 'early'. We knew right away that it must be something serious. She asked us if we had our T.V. on or had heard the news and we hadn't cause we were sleeping but turned the T.V. on as we talked only to be shocked by what we were seeing. After we hung up we were glued to the Television when all of the sudden a second plane hit the second Tower! We called my parents house to tell them. We had barely comprehended that this had just happened and the reporters were still speculating this as an accident but when the second plane hit, there was no mistake. Suddenly the first tower crumbled to the ground! I could not believe my eyes and started to panic about what was going on. I was concerned for the safety of our country and wondered if there were other planes about to do the same somewhere else. My mind was reeling, thinking of friends on the east coast and I did call the one I could think of, Holly. She was being evactuated from her building in CT and I think grateful I cared to worry about her. I could barely get ready for work. Somehow doing hair wasn't exactly my idea of honoring the day. I became more numb as the day progressed with the Pentagon getting hit and the plane going down in the field in Pennsylvania. I felt depressed and truthfully fearful. Everyone I saw that day was also feeling the same, we were like zombies. I wanted to join the military (I have always admired service men/women) and help defend our country but the best thing I could do for now was PRAY. That I did for weeks and months as the information unfolded about the truth and plans were made to protect.
Since that time, we are still protecting our freedoms and safety from radicals. Our war in Iraq is still dangerous but hopefully coming to a close. Our military pride has been so much better but could be stronger in my opinion. I am still praying for our soldiers to be safe and effective. I hope you will do the same if you are not already. God Bless.

You Will NOT believe this!

As I sat on my couch today (day off), feeling sorry for myself, willing my body to un-glue from my seat so i can put the baby stuff away... i found myself so bored and unpurposful that I was getting depressed. Every time the phone rings, I think it's going to be the caseworker to tell me he's got hold of Charmaine. Then, my cellphone rang! It WAS Christopher, my caseworker. I paused the T.V., held my breath and literally said a prayer (about what i don't know). First he made small talk about knowing I was upset with him about the email and that he was very sorry. I thanked him for understanding and hearing what we had to say. After that discussion he said "Are you ready for this?" off guard, I said, "?uhh, depends on what i need to be ready for"? (obviously hoping he'd say they got hold of "C"... He told me a new birth mother choose us! She is a 17yr old girl, in the Dekalb County Jail (i assume Georgia. Christopher forgot to get her name and will get it later for us) but doesn't know her offense. She is having a BOY, due on October 25th. She and the birth father are Caucasian. When she returned her 'health history' she admits she smoked at the beginning of her pregnancy but otherwise has had a healthy pregnancy. We were then told the following; she first contacted the agency about 1 month ago, She has reddish brown hair in a trendy/crazy style (Hannah thought i'd appreciate that), short in the back, long in the front with big bangs. She's 5ft 2in, average build. He mentioned she may need some 'pass through expenses' (help with rent/food etc) when she gets out of jail in the next few weeks to a month, till the baby is born. (money's we would agree to pay above and beyond the adoption costs, could be up to $1000.00? Currently we have not been interested in this as it's more common to be taken advantage of). She is not LDS (from our church) but he said she has prayed about this decision. Christopher told us, the reason she said she picked us is that she loves animals and thought our pets "are rockin' awesome" (you can even tell in pictures!!! lol) and she said that we looked like the family she never had but always wanted. (that is very nice)
Obviously this is great that we were contacted about this. I am trying to understand if this is what Heavenly Father intends for us as I am still heartbroken for this little girl. We are praying, please respect that it is hard for us to turn off the recent experience to consider a new one. We do have a request. Will you please join us this Sunday in a special fast for this situation. We don't want to be hurt and hope fasting will guide us. We will be fasting for 2 consecutive meals and praying whether this little boy is meant for our home and for Heavenly Father to allow us to open our hearts to him as it heals from our recent adoption possibility. We appreciate whatever faith and prayer you can send our way, if you are unable to actually fast, I know Heavenly Father hears our sincere prayers and efforts. Your contribution will be felt either way. Thank you. Love You!
Michael and Lila and our rockin' awesome pets: Smokey, Samantha & Oliver

Preparing to move on....

So, Michael and I have been really... confused for the past few days. I've had tears and anger, peace and love. I can only speak for myself on this but I was letting myself be more hurt by the email sent then in the information in it. I also have to fight myself to not blame or condemn our caseworker. From the beginning of our relationship (1 year) with him, we've had trouble with our communication. We didn't' hear from him for a few months when he first took over for the last Agency Director and emails would take TWO weeks to be answered without so much as an "I'm out of the office, contact 555.5555 for assistance". Honestly, I have to come to the conclusion that it is Satan keeping us from working with him cause he doesn't want us to get our child this way. Only Satan can give me these feelings and I pray everyday for them to leave my mind cause it gets me nowhere. It's difficult cause Christopher doesn't know the emotional toll it takes on us (though he should learn). At the beginning, it was scary cause we thought we were going to have a baby in 24/48hours. Then within a week, we found out it'd be longer so we tried not to get attached in case she changed her mind. Next we almost lost her when we didn't hear from the birth mother, then got a very positive reconnection when she miraculously answered the phone! At that time we decided to throw ourselves into it. I bought some clothes for her to sleep in and 2 outfits that weren't pajamas, some bottles to get me started... Over time, we decided to let our friends plan a HUGE 'shower/open house' for when we would for sure be back and I registered. It took a lot to let ourselves do it and it wasn't as exciting cause it's clouded under IF's and MAYBE's of when and if the baby is ours even. I had to register alone and was overwhelmed by the process (wish I felt like I could ask a friend but didn't think I could handle their excitement over something i know is a maybe). Everyday, I'd be like, "we could have a baby next week" or "Friday, our baby could be born". We thought of names but wouldn't/couldn't tell them cause we didn't want a name we love to be floating out there if it didn't work out (always cautious in adoption). When I read the email from Christopher on Friday, i was crushed! I was sooo mad immediately that I could hardly concentrate on the fact that it could be real that "C" had changed her mind etc. Michael, the logical half of our marriage, calmed me down and talked me into waiting to reem Christopher till Tuesday after the holiday weekend. I assigned him the task as he was able to put aside his emotion.
Today Michael talked to him. He expressed that it would have been better if he would have called with that information and Christopher understood. He is a very nice man, don't get us wrong, but it think it must be difficult for him to put himself in our place. I'm sure he must think we are high maintenance with our lectures (the 2nd time we've had to communicate to him our 'challenges') but we supported each others desire that he know how we felt. I'm glad that is over.
Last night I was feeling better, upbeat almost but still hopeful about the baby despite everything working against it happening. I had an honest and sincere conversation with Heavenly Father that if she is not meant to come to our home, to please take the feeling away from me. I had a great nights sleep for once and woke up peaceful and happy. To me that doesn't mean she isn't ours and it also doesn't mean she is, just that I feel satisfied that what will be, will be and it's ok for me to move on. I wasn't going to give myself permission for that since this all felt like a repeat of the depression after YEARS of failed fertility treatments. But I don't want to give up. I just want to have our children and I'm not going to get them by lying down so I'm moving forward, without forgetting about this little girl. I'm not getting her or anyone by being negative so I'm working hard to stay on the positive. We are also praying that, this baby will be smart and strong and make a difference in her families life, wherever that may be. We hope her mother is safe too as for all we know, she could feel threatened or unsafe and that is why she has yet again, dropped out of site.
Please forgive me for being negative about the email. It doesn't make me feel good to feel that way even though it is obviously insensitive. I'm forgiving him and myself and I hope those of you reading this and praying for us will support that. We are humbled every day by this process and this is just a GIANT step in our path to our children. Thank you for your patience today, we are praying every night for all of you to get the blessings you need as you pray for us. You are our blessing right now. Love you!