mY neeeewest nephew

Welcome

Luke Von Wutkee

born. Wednesday, September 10, 2008

3:38pm (via exhausted c-section) 7 lbs 9 oz 21 inches long

proud family: Bennett, Jennifer, Noah and Olivia

Latest

So it's been a little hectic. My parents are here from California, having driven to Idaho to drop their 11th child off at college then drove to Tennessee to see their favorite (my dog smokey) child. I'm up at 226am typing in a blog while i have my thoughts. when i wake up i may have a new nephew via my brother Bennett and his wife Jennifer! if not through the night, i hope soon. anyway, Christopher let me know our birthmothers name is COURTNEY and what we should include in our 'follow up' letter to her. Without telling you the details of the letter, i'll sum up that we expressed what we felt about hearing she chose us and asked some questions, invited her to ask us questions and especially let her know that ALL of our family, friends and strangers are praying not only for michael and i to be able to be parents but that they pray for her and her son. i felt the spirit confirming that to me as i typed the letter and i hope/pray she will feel that when she reads it and meets us soon. I do not know when we will but sometime before her due date of Oct. 25th if all goes well. We are feeling very upbeat now about it all. we asked christopher about what would happen if charmaine came back around and he said although against policy to place twice in one year with family services, it's possible for an ammendment in this circumstance. we are grateful and have peace about that cause it feels bad to us that we can just 'move on' from a very real child to us. we have been grieving the thought of losing her (as any potential parent morns a child) so we appreciate those of you that are respectful and understanding to that. with that said, we really are happy and living day to day. we don't want to 'prepare' like we did for the first one but are now ready for what we need to do at the last minute. I'm greatful that Courtney is due with some notice so have something to look forward to rather than wondering each day if i'm going to get a call. i'm much more at peace at the moment. ok, i've got to go. hope you enjoyed the update.

our friend matthew...

Tried to send this yesterday... Matthew is our sunday entertainment. He usually sits in a pew in front of us at church and does an 'I'm watching you' move every sunday. I tried to get him to recreate it on demand. This is what I got (post above). I think he's 4 or 5. Roxann, can you clarify? He's so Hilarious! He just cracks us up every week. Here's one more "Matthewism" as told to me by his mom. At church, our childrens group "Primary" has a choister named Heather. Well her paid job is working at McDonalds while she is a student at MTSU (sorry heather for all the info, I'll let everyone know you're are single and attach your cell by the end of this post. lol). Well Matthew's family was going through the drive thru and after seeing her there and realizing who she was, he said something like, "Man, she gets to work at McDonalds AND in Primary?!" He was very impressed. Not everyone would love either job she has and this sweet child thought she was the coolest! (and she is... and single... and her number is... 555.5555. ha ha ha ha! xoxo

About "Fasting"

I've had a lot of questions about fasting and I'm impressed you are so curious. Here is the www.lds.org definition for Fasting:

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=bbd508f54922d010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&index=6&sourceId=586a2f2324d98010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____

Wikipedia definition for Fasting (you can skip down to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fasting

If I find more to share with you, I'll edit this post and add it later.

You Will NOT believe this!

As I sat on my couch today (day off), feeling sorry for myself, willing my body to un-glue from my seat so i can put the baby stuff away... i found myself so bored and unpurposful that I was getting depressed. Every time the phone rings, I think it's going to be the caseworker to tell me he's got hold of Charmaine. Then, my cellphone rang! It WAS Christopher, my caseworker. I paused the T.V., held my breath and literally said a prayer (about what i don't know). First he made small talk about knowing I was upset with him about the email and that he was very sorry. I thanked him for understanding and hearing what we had to say. After that discussion he said "Are you ready for this?" off guard, I said, "?uhh, depends on what i need to be ready for"? (obviously hoping he'd say they got hold of "C"... He told me a new birth mother choose us! She is a 17yr old girl, in the Dekalb County Jail (i assume Georgia. Christopher forgot to get her name and will get it later for us) but doesn't know her offense. She is having a BOY, due on October 25th. She and the birth father are Caucasian. When she returned her 'health history' she admits she smoked at the beginning of her pregnancy but otherwise has had a healthy pregnancy. We were then told the following; she first contacted the agency about 1 month ago, She has reddish brown hair in a trendy/crazy style (Hannah thought i'd appreciate that), short in the back, long in the front with big bangs. She's 5ft 2in, average build. He mentioned she may need some 'pass through expenses' (help with rent/food etc) when she gets out of jail in the next few weeks to a month, till the baby is born. (money's we would agree to pay above and beyond the adoption costs, could be up to $1000.00? Currently we have not been interested in this as it's more common to be taken advantage of). She is not LDS (from our church) but he said she has prayed about this decision. Christopher told us, the reason she said she picked us is that she loves animals and thought our pets "are rockin' awesome" (you can even tell in pictures!!! lol) and she said that we looked like the family she never had but always wanted. (that is very nice)
Obviously this is great that we were contacted about this. I am trying to understand if this is what Heavenly Father intends for us as I am still heartbroken for this little girl. We are praying, please respect that it is hard for us to turn off the recent experience to consider a new one. We do have a request. Will you please join us this Sunday in a special fast for this situation. We don't want to be hurt and hope fasting will guide us. We will be fasting for 2 consecutive meals and praying whether this little boy is meant for our home and for Heavenly Father to allow us to open our hearts to him as it heals from our recent adoption possibility. We appreciate whatever faith and prayer you can send our way, if you are unable to actually fast, I know Heavenly Father hears our sincere prayers and efforts. Your contribution will be felt either way. Thank you. Love You!
Michael and Lila and our rockin' awesome pets: Smokey, Samantha & Oliver

Preparing to move on....

So, Michael and I have been really... confused for the past few days. I've had tears and anger, peace and love. I can only speak for myself on this but I was letting myself be more hurt by the email sent then in the information in it. I also have to fight myself to not blame or condemn our caseworker. From the beginning of our relationship (1 year) with him, we've had trouble with our communication. We didn't' hear from him for a few months when he first took over for the last Agency Director and emails would take TWO weeks to be answered without so much as an "I'm out of the office, contact 555.5555 for assistance". Honestly, I have to come to the conclusion that it is Satan keeping us from working with him cause he doesn't want us to get our child this way. Only Satan can give me these feelings and I pray everyday for them to leave my mind cause it gets me nowhere. It's difficult cause Christopher doesn't know the emotional toll it takes on us (though he should learn). At the beginning, it was scary cause we thought we were going to have a baby in 24/48hours. Then within a week, we found out it'd be longer so we tried not to get attached in case she changed her mind. Next we almost lost her when we didn't hear from the birth mother, then got a very positive reconnection when she miraculously answered the phone! At that time we decided to throw ourselves into it. I bought some clothes for her to sleep in and 2 outfits that weren't pajamas, some bottles to get me started... Over time, we decided to let our friends plan a HUGE 'shower/open house' for when we would for sure be back and I registered. It took a lot to let ourselves do it and it wasn't as exciting cause it's clouded under IF's and MAYBE's of when and if the baby is ours even. I had to register alone and was overwhelmed by the process (wish I felt like I could ask a friend but didn't think I could handle their excitement over something i know is a maybe). Everyday, I'd be like, "we could have a baby next week" or "Friday, our baby could be born". We thought of names but wouldn't/couldn't tell them cause we didn't want a name we love to be floating out there if it didn't work out (always cautious in adoption). When I read the email from Christopher on Friday, i was crushed! I was sooo mad immediately that I could hardly concentrate on the fact that it could be real that "C" had changed her mind etc. Michael, the logical half of our marriage, calmed me down and talked me into waiting to reem Christopher till Tuesday after the holiday weekend. I assigned him the task as he was able to put aside his emotion.
Today Michael talked to him. He expressed that it would have been better if he would have called with that information and Christopher understood. He is a very nice man, don't get us wrong, but it think it must be difficult for him to put himself in our place. I'm sure he must think we are high maintenance with our lectures (the 2nd time we've had to communicate to him our 'challenges') but we supported each others desire that he know how we felt. I'm glad that is over.
Last night I was feeling better, upbeat almost but still hopeful about the baby despite everything working against it happening. I had an honest and sincere conversation with Heavenly Father that if she is not meant to come to our home, to please take the feeling away from me. I had a great nights sleep for once and woke up peaceful and happy. To me that doesn't mean she isn't ours and it also doesn't mean she is, just that I feel satisfied that what will be, will be and it's ok for me to move on. I wasn't going to give myself permission for that since this all felt like a repeat of the depression after YEARS of failed fertility treatments. But I don't want to give up. I just want to have our children and I'm not going to get them by lying down so I'm moving forward, without forgetting about this little girl. I'm not getting her or anyone by being negative so I'm working hard to stay on the positive. We are also praying that, this baby will be smart and strong and make a difference in her families life, wherever that may be. We hope her mother is safe too as for all we know, she could feel threatened or unsafe and that is why she has yet again, dropped out of site.
Please forgive me for being negative about the email. It doesn't make me feel good to feel that way even though it is obviously insensitive. I'm forgiving him and myself and I hope those of you reading this and praying for us will support that. We are humbled every day by this process and this is just a GIANT step in our path to our children. Thank you for your patience today, we are praying every night for all of you to get the blessings you need as you pray for us. You are our blessing right now. Love you!

and the winner is...

vanilla ice cream, dizzle of caramel & chocolate sauce, 'twix' magic shell, light whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles, caramel & chocolate sauce drizzle again, topped with 4 cherries!! and the verdict is... PERFECTION!

COMFORT FOOD

for some, this would be enough. plain ice cream.

again. here we are, lookin' good but... oh no, not enough for me...

my "helper(s)"...

BEAT THE HEAT!
for ten bucks, you too can beat the heat. (i recommend to set up on more level ground)... the float was onle ONE dollar so... you can't really beat that with a stick, can you? I hope you all have a 'cool' labor day weekend!
-L

NEW PLACE FOR POSTING ADOPTION NEWS

check it out HERE. we will keep my business stuff for business now. i hope you enjoy our life... sorry for the longwinded stories below. it's "what i do". smile. the posts with the beginning to the current adoption saga begin on my business blog: http://www.lilaschopshop.blogspot.com/ and start on Aug 9th or 10th, I believe.

When one of our TN nieces, Brooke, found out we were adopting, she wrote a little diddly about it. I hope you love it as much as we do.... (p.s. we're going to Gulf Shores, Alabama for Thanksgiving with Mike's Family) click on the letter to make it bigger.

ADOPTION

So, we started out our marriage like most (LDS) couples. Dreaming about the parents eachother would one day be. We picked out some names and planned when we would start trying to have babies.. we had a perfect plan: We would go off the pill after we were married 2 years and guessed it would take up to a year to get pregnant. We have had a wonderful relationship, giving and taking... easy to say 11 years later. smile. In preparation, I convinced Michael to move from Nashville Tennessee to live with my parents in Camarillo, California (where I was raised from 6-19). I wanted to be near my mom when I had my first baby or two (I have always planned on 6 - still do). So when we weren't successful on our own, we sought out professional help from an Infertility Doctor. After multiple humiliating and expensive tests (Michael by my side for support), I was found to have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, PCOS as I had various manifestations of the symdrome. We began a willing but tiring process of fertility for the next 3 years. I was medicated, probed, ultrasounded, exrayed and in the end, mentally spent. I admitted defeat for the time being and after almost 4yrs in California, I asked Michael if he was ready to go back to Tennessee. We were both ready. We needed to lick our wounds and come to our new home in Murfreesboro. After lamely attempting fertility drugs again once back in Tennessee, it got to be too much and we stopped. Mentally I was in no place to consider anything else for awhile.

When I came to, months later, Michael was still there, ready to do what was next. I had always been interested in Adoption, never feeling worthy of it until I tired myself from failed fertility efforts (not wanting to adopt unless I 'needed to'). My friend Christi (Adopted herself) and her family, including having both thier beautiful sons through adoption, counceled with me in California through some of my hardest grief. I used her example and wisdom to push me forward with earnest to 'find our children' through adoption. After taking almost a year to fill out the paperwork (some procrastination in between), we filed with LDS family services in November 2006. Our then caseworker Matt said, it can take and average of 6mo - 2 years before recieving an infant in your home. We prepared ourselves hoping it wouldn't take that long. We have been very blessed during this process, reminding ourselves who is in control and our faith in God has surely lifted us through. Sometimes we borrowed from eachother if we had no more ourselves, sometimes it was a gift from a friend or stranger. Either way, we find ourselves here, on the brink of hopeful parenthood, feeling more blessed than ever to have eachother and everyone we know, no matter what happens. Thank you.

We look forward to raising our children righteously. Teaching them to know that their Heavenly Father loves them and sent them to this earth in a special way, whether born to us or placed with us, they are the same to us and Heavenly Father. We are ALL his children. We have a duty to teach them righteous principles then let them govern themselves. We look forward to the many things they will teach us over the years as well.

And they were married...

We were married on a beautiful "first day of Summer" day, for Time and All Eternity, in the Los Angeles LDS Temple. Saturday, June 21, 1997.

Our invitations were ivory with embossed ivy border and black ink. Our engagement pictures were taken by Patrick Boles at Fall Creek Falls, Tennessee. The wedding colors were dark green and burgundy and the reception was at my parents house in Santa Rosa Valley, California.

Susie St. John took our pictures and we will never forget her for doing such a great job.

These are my favorite of our Wedding party and of US on the Temple grounds.

a FANNIE pack!?

I moved to Nashville, Tennessee in the middle of January, 1997 from Camarillo, California. It was a risk as I have no family here and only knew Michael but we couldn't live long distance. I rented his grandmothers empty house in Nashville, while he lived with his parents, 15 min away. I know this arrangement must have been strange for his family in retrospect but we were so young and in love, we didn't notice others exhisted unfortunately.
Our Friends Dan and Kelly were falling in love as fast as we were, with all of us making wedding plans at the same time. I was "patiently" just waiting for Michael to give me a ring as a formality to start planning our wedding. Forward to my birthday on February 7th.. I meet Michael at his house before his church basketball game. We visited with his mom and stepdad, his mom took a picture for some reason and before we left we hung out in his room. (actual picture below)

He was making fun of the Christmas gift I made him, a SUPER cheesy coupon that was shaped like a dollar bill and read: "Good For One Worthy Wife" (aka: coupon to marry me), calling it corney. What can I say, it was. We went to his game, had a great time and then, DISASTER! Dan and Kelly announced they got engaged! Oh no, my life was over, our friends who started dating after us, were engaged before us! It wasn't pretty for Michael the rest of the night. I was so upset and cried. I didn't want my family and friends to get the wrong impression of why I moved to TN and mostly, just wanted to officially start planning our wedding for JUNE 21st! geeez!
Back to the story... We went to my house afterwards where I cried all night long, trying to understand why we weren't engaged yet. Of course, he had a plan. So exhausted, Michael fell asleep at my house and the next morning we stopped to get some supplies at his house before our scheduled hike at Fall Creek Falls State Park http://tennessee.gov/environment/parks/FallCreekFalls/index.shtml. He grabbed a "North Face" (so it can sound cooler but still, it's a... ) fannie pack for snacks, camera etc and we got on our way to an hour drive. I appologized the entire way and felt like a big jerk for how I acted the night before. Michael was so understanding and patient with me and said he understood how I felt about getting engaged and that it wouldn't be long but that he just wanted to do it right. I tried to trust him.
When we got to the Cane Creek Cascades of the Park, it was freezing outside. We couldn't even feel our noses when we got to the bottom. By this time, it was also now starting to snow! I stepped away from Michael, closer to the falls when he knelt down to get his camera out of the "Fannie Pack" to take a picture of me (in all my snotty nosed, non make up wearing, ugly clothes, cried out eyes, glory. see picture below).

Putting the camera away he said, "Oh, I almost forgot, I brought you something..." I said, "What, a granola bar?" He said, "No, I brought you this" and held up a ziplock bag with the coupon I made him for Christmas (mentioned at the beginning of this longwinded story).

Cluelessly, I kinda gave him a 'stank face' and said, "What did you bring 'that' for?" "I brought it to redeem it", he said. "What?!"... This time, he repeated phanetically, "I Brought IT, To Redeem IT". "OH MY GOSH! oh my gosh, OH my gosh, Oh my Gosh, OH MY GOSH!" He went back into the fannie back and with tears in my eyes, noticed suddenly there were hikers watching as Michael, still kneeling, pulled out my ring and said, "So. Will you marry me?!" "Oh My Gosh" x 10, later, I obviously said YES! And have now pursued this whole "And they lived Happily Ever After"thing from then on. grin. (engagement picture below by patty b.)